EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO IS ILLEGAL. Despite all the hype about local or green food, the single biggest impediment to wider adoption is not research, pro-farmer organizations, or investor networking. It is the demonizing and criminalizing of virtually all indigenous and heritage-based food practices. From zoning to labor to food safety to insurance, local food systems daily face a tsunami of regulatory hurdles designed and implemented to police industrial food models but which prejudicially wipe out the antidote: appropriate scaled local food systems. A call for guerrilla marketing, food choice freedom legislation, and empirical pathogen thresholds offers solutions to these bureaucratic hurdles.